I've been very emotional off and on since last Friday. Very moody. It's true when I say it is because of my period (a rather agressive one this time) but I don't like blaming it entirely. I guess I just have a shorter fuse sometimes?
Well, I became upset when I read on a bulletin of Paul's that his first (and only) love was Cate (his first girlfriend, which is fine, but I felt crushed because of the "only one so far" part)... I didn't have to be acknowledged by name or even referenced in some way, I just reacted with tears because I felt as if I wasn't found worthy by him.
The following day I confronted him via IM. I cried so more. He explained to me again that he did love me when we were together but that it fell apart a little bit and that it wasn't as deep. I guess we've had this conversation already...but I keep falling for him.
We have a link but not a connection? I don't understand...I think the only "link" is sex. That's not good. I don't want to feel like I've wasted something in the end.
Maybe I need to distance myself from him, at least emotionally. I depend on him too much. The night I confronted Paul about my issue was the only time I had shared how I felt that day. I refused to share with Brandi even though she asked me what was wrong. I wasn't ready until I shared what had happened when I talked with her today.
Yesterday I was very emotional. I felt like crying and being along all day. A lot of things were bothering me. I couldn't get the correct printing format for a greeting card. I wasted many cards trying.
I had this urge to find an old friend I knew over the Internet, Andrew. I searched with everything that I could imagine. There is one avenue I haven't searched and that is by calling a number he gave to me almost 2 years ago. I don't know if it'll work, who I'll find, or what to expect. I miss talking to him. I remember him being sweet and easy to talk with.
I talked about him with Tysh last night and I told Paul all that was bothering me because he noticed my edgy tone. I told them of my difficulties finding someone interested in me (and me interested in them). I won't go back and mention names right now but nothing progressed.
This morning I vented to my friend, Yvette during my Drawing II class and after I finished talking about Andrew and how I wanted to find him...she told me I was lonely. Not as an insult (how do I react to being told I'm lonely when I don't want to be so I say I'm not?) but as something that's natural. It made me want to cry. I didn't.
I believe finding him will be something wonderful. Like a reunion although we've never met. I didn't actually think that in my head as I was looking for him, but I had a yearning to know him again. He was really sweet to me.
Being lonely and knowing it, not being able to find a relationship I would like to be in (or find that potential relationship/friendship first deal) and probably coming on too strong is a terrible combination.
Oh, and another thing. When I do realize I've found a connection with a friend who shares my interests and humor...has a serious girlfriend. It's racking my emotions. Talking about that situation makes me wonder if I should just sever myself from keeping in touch with this person. We don't talk on a regular basis, we've never exchanged phone numbers... I don't know. It's just all in my head. How do I communicate with someone when there is no obvious flirting? How do I keep myself from imagining things?
Ruts, ruts, ruts
At least this afternoon my friend, Yvette, took me out to eat and talk at a Chinese place. That was very nice of her and it helped me cheer up.
12:32 a.m. - 2006-04-08